23/04/2021 hey. it's been well over a year.

i'm still alive i guess. i actually managed to get a job like a month after my last diary entry. although it's a shitty minimum wage deadend one haha. why would it be anything better. thankfully it made mother get off my back about getting a job and leave me alone.

despite how big and depressive and shit i had talked in previous entries i had never actually selfharmed before or anything. i only started just super recently. i say "started" but its incredibly minor. baby's first selfharm. i was too scared to do anything that would actually break the skin for a little bit but i finally actually made a cut today. i was actually pretty excited to find i'd made a cut. why be excited about a cut...? the human mind is weird and i dont even understand my own at all.

i ended up doing that after i made a little suicide joke at one of my closest friends and their response was something like "i dont like you talking about that stuff like dying" and they wanted me to not do it. i never talk about how down in the dumps i get with my friends and the only times i ever even get close to mentioning it with anyone is just "haha i wanna die" funny ironic jokes. but something about that interaction suddenly made me feel really... idk... hurt maybe? guess maybe my fuckin stupid unfunny suicide jokes might be a cry for help after all haha.

the main reason i made this site is because i dont like talking about it with anyone i know, and wanted to do it where none of them would see. i dont want to make any of them worried. which is my nice sounding reason. i also dont want to seem like some kind of attention-seeker, which i totally am but i dont want people to think that i am. i want people to worry about me but i also dont want them to, and i dont want them to think that i want them to worry about me. this is dumb.

why am i like this. very lucky to have been born into such a blessed situation compared to the situations ive heard other people struggling with depression(undiagnosed i dont know for sure if i have it) and looking at them i think what fucking reason do i even have to be like this what the fuck is wrong with me. why am i so fucking useless that even born in such a good position i am nothing.

i want to disappear, and for my memory and proof of existence to be wiped away to nothing, so that no one i know will have to be sad or deal with the consequences when im gone.

12/11/2019 hey. its been a little while.

i can barely get myself to get out of bed lately. ive just been spending all day lying in bed. me sitting at my pc writing this is one of the few times ive actually gotten up apart from going to the bathroom today (i havent eaten).

im so sick of it. if someone came to me right now and offered to go back in time and stop me from being born id probably accept. my mother keeps getting pissed off at me for being fucking depressed. i wish she'd just leave me alone for a bit. its her fault im here like this. i dont owe her shit.

i actually had a job interview a few days ago. it was just for some shitty bottom of the barrel job. i thought it went quite well (for someone like me anyway). the woman who interviewed me was real positive at the end of it. i thought maybe id actually done it.

i really shouldnt have gotten my hopes up. i was a fucking daft fool for thinking maybe anyone would have actually hired me. of course i heard nothing back. why would i ever hear anything back aside from rejection? im so fucking useless i cant even interact with people outside of my immediate family like a normal fucking human being. it was a miracle i even got through that interview without my whole body starting to uncontrollably shake from sheer anxiety.
this is fucking shit.

i hate my parents for dragging me into this shit. i never signed up for this.

im tired.

28/10/2019 first entry

well seems its time to pop the cherry on this diary. i originally wanted to write in a physical diary instead of this because i thought thatd be cool. i realized that a physical diary costs money though. i dont wanna spend what little neet money i get on buying shit that i might not even continue doing. so here i am.

also having it physically poses the risk of someone in my family finding and looking in it. i really dont want that because itd likely be my mother and i wont want her seeing it the most of everyone lol. since ill end up bitching about her in here.

i designed this site all cutesy but it really aint gonna be suitin my writing. but oh well who cares

i feel so fucking pathetic right now. i often think to myself that i wanna die but i know im too much of a fucking coward to ever do it. maybe some day ill be courageous enough to die.